WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW”.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT’S FINALLY HERE. AFTER SIX YEARS OF TRYING, LAST
NIGHT THE REPUBLICANS FINALLY UNVEILED THEIR HEALTHCARE PLAN. THEN, OUT OF FORCE OF HABIT,
THEY VOTED TO REPEAL IT. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THERE ARE SOME THINGS THERE ARE SOME THINGS THEY’RE
KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE: KIDS STAYING ON THEIR PARENTS’
HEALTHCARE UNTIL THEY’RE 26. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
INSURANCE COMPANIES CAN’T DISCRIMINATE BECAUSE OF
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GRANDMA WILL STILL BE MURDERED BY DEATH PANELS WHILE NANCY
PELOSI CACKLES FROM HER SKYBOX.>>Audience: BOOO!>>Stephen: NO CHEER FOR THAT? OKAY. OH, THERE’S ONE OTHER THING
THEY’RE KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE: NOBODY LIKES IT. CONSERVATIVES ARE CALLING IT
“OBAMACARE LITE.” GREAT TASTE, LESS COVERAGE,
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHILE– MEANWHILE– SEE, THAT’S THE CONSERVATIVES. CONSERVATIVES DON’T CARE FOR IT. MEANWHILE DEMOCRATS ARE UNHAPPY
BECAUSE EXPERTS ESTIMATE THIS WILL COVER 20 MILLION FEWER
AMERICANS THAN OBAMACARE.>>Audience: BOOOO!>>Stephen: PRETTY ROUGH. 20 MILLION FEWER THAN OBAMA. THAT SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP’S
INAUGURATION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M HONORED. SPEAKING OF WHICH– THIS IS
TRUE– BECAUSE OF A FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST,
THE PARKS SERVICE WERE FORCED TO RELEASE ALL OF THE PHOTOS THEY
TOOK AT TRUMP’S INAUGURATION, BEFORE WE WERE ONLY SEEING PART
OF THE PHOTO. WE WEREN’T SEEING EVERYTHING
FROM THE CAPITOL TO THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. THE PHOTOS CAME OUT TODAY. AND IT’S WORSE THAN TRUMP
FEARED. JIM, CAN WE PUT IT UP NEXT
TO OBAMA’S? HERE’S OBAMA, AND HERE’S TRUMP. THAT– THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE
THE BEFORE-AND- AFTER PHOTOS IN AN AD FOR ORKIN. THE POINT IS, 20 MILLION IS A
LOT OF PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE. I DON’T KNOW ANYBODY WHO WOULD
BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. ♪ ♪ ♪
OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, GO ON, THAT’S ENOUGH. GO ON. I WILL SEE YOU– I WILL SEE YOU
IN 70 YEARS! ( LAUGHTER )
HE’S A GOOD GUY. YOU’D LIKE HIM. WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH, WE’RE ALL GOING TO
DIE. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE OTHER DIFFERENCES IS THAT TRUMPCARE REPLACES FEDERAL
INSURANCE SUBSIDIES WITH TAX CREDITS. SO EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE
FINE, BUT YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR COLONOSCOPY AT H&R BLOCK
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I CAN IMAGINE WHAT A LOT OF
YOU OUT THERE– YOU GUYS OUT THERE, I’M SURE, AND EVERYBODY
OUT THERE IS WORRYING. YOU’RE SAYING TO YOURSELF:
“HOW IS THIS GOING TO AFFECT SUPER WEALTHY INSURANCE
COMPANY EXECUTIVES?” WELL, GOOD NEWS,
THE PLAN INCLUDES A TAX BREAK FOR INSURANCE COMPANY EXECUTIVES
MAKING OVER $500,000 A YEAR. ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
SO ALL OF THEM? ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF TAXES, THE BILL ALSO REPEALS THE 10% TAX ON INDOOR
TANNING. OH, GOOD. DONALD TRUMP CAN FINALLY GO THE
FULL TANDOORI. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OH, HIS MEAT. SO JUICY.>>Jon: A LITTLE TANDOORI
CHICKEN.>>Stephen: HIS MEAT IS GOING
TO FALL RIGHT OFF THE BONE. YOGURT SAUCE, FANTASTIC. AND THEN THERE’S THE WEIRD FACT
THAT IN A 66-PAGE DOCUMENT, THAT’S WHAT THEY RELEASED, A
66-PAGE PLAN– SEVEN OF THOSE PAGES ARE ABOUT
DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY WINNERS. OVER 10% OF IT IS JUST ABOUT
DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY WINNERS, WHICH IS SHOCKING. IF ANYTHING, TRUMP SHOULD
EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE HANDED A BUNCH OF MONEY THEY
DIDN’T EARN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE WAS BORN– HE WAS BORN WITH A LOTTO TICKET IN HIS HAND.>>Jon: THAT WAS NICE.>>Stephen: NOW, FOR FISCAL
CONSERVATIVES, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS WHAT WILL
THIS ALL COST? WELL, THE NUMBERS IN, AND IT’S
APPROXIMATELY 3.4, WE HAVE NO (BLEEP) IDEAS, BECAUSE THE
REPUBLICANS RELEASED THIS BILL WITHOUT ESTIMATES OF ITS COST
FROM THE CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE. SO THE BILL WILL BE LIKE THOSE
FANCY RESTAURANTS WHERE THEY DON’T
HAVE WHAT IT COSTS ON THE MENU. “HMM, WHAT’S THE HEART SURGERY? MARKET PRICE. I’LL JUST STUFF MY CHEST CAVITY
WITH BREAD. THANK YOU.” REPUBLICANS DEFENDED THE PLAN. HERE’S OREGON CONGRESSMAN GREG
WALDEN:>>WE’RE LIKE THE AMBULANCE CREW
THAT SHOWED UP AT THE SCENE OF THE WRECK. WE’RE HERE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS
AND HEAL THE PATIENTS.>>Stephen: THAT’S NOT QUITE IT. IT’S MORE LIKE AN AMBULANCE CREW
THAT HATES THE PREVIOUS AMBULANCE CREW SO MUCH THAT THEY
RIP THE PATIENTS OUT OF THAT AMBULANCE AND PUT THEM IN THEIR
OWN AMBULANCE, WHICH THEY ARE STILL BUILDING. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )( CHEERS )
NOW, THE BURDEN OF THESE CHANGES
FALLS MOSTLY ON THE WORKING
POOR, WHO GOT SOME ADVICE FROM UTAH CONGRESSMAN AND CAPTAIN OF
THE BAD TEAM FROM “THE MIGHTY DUCKS”– JASON CHAFFETZ.>>AND YOU KNOW WHAT? AMERICANS HAVE CHOICES, AND
THEY’VE GOT TO MAKE A CHOICE. AND SO MAYBE RATHER THAN GETTING
THAT NEW iPHONE THAT THEY JUST LOVE AND WANT TO GO SPEND
HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON THAT, MAYBE THEY SHOULD INVEST IN
THEIR OWN HEALTH CARE.>>Stephen: YEAH, THE AVERAGE
COST OF HEALTH INSURANCE FOR A FAMILY IS $25,000 SO, POOR
FOLKS, JUST STOP BUYING 33 iPHONES EVERY YEAR. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S THAT SIMPLE. ( APPLAUSE )
iPHONE FANS. BIG iPHONE FANS. AND TODAY, SEAN SPICER ANSWERED
QUESTIONS ABOUT TRUMPCARE AT THE DAILY WHITE HOUSE SHOW-AND-TELL.>>THESE OVER 974 PAGES THAT
WERE PASSED, AND THEN WE WERE TOLD WE HAD TO READ THEM. OUR PLAN, IN FAR FEWER PAGES,
123, MUCH SMALLER, MUCH BIGGER. LOOK AT THE SIZE. THIS IS THE DEMOCRATS. THIS IS US. THERE IS– I MEAN, YOU CAN’T GET
ANY CLEARER IN TERMS OF THIS IS GOVERNMENT. THIS IS NOT.>>Stephen: YES. WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING
ANYTHING DOWN, SHORTER IS ALWAYS BETTER. THAT’S WHY “MOBY DICK” IS MUCH,
MUCH WORSE THAN THE INSTRUCTION BOOK THAT COMES WITH YOUR RICE
COOKER. ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, IF SHORTER IS BETTER, WHY NOT JUST A ONE-AGE PLAN THAT
JUST SAYS, “WALK IT OFF.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ WALK IT OFF ♪>>Stephen, OF COURSE, THE
OTHER BIG STORY TODAY IS THAT TRUMP’S B.F.F.s OVER AT
WIKILEAKS TOOK A WIKIDUMP ON THE C.I.A. THEY RELEASED 8,000 PAGES OF
DOCUMENTS DETAILING THE AGENCY’S CYBER-SPYING POWERS, PROVING THE
C.I.A. IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING, EXCEPT KEEPING A SECRET. ( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU KNOW WHO I WANT TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS? GENERAL MICHAEL HAYDEN WHO WILL
BE ON HERE LATER IN THE SHOW. HE WAS IN THE C.I.A. AND N.S.A. HE’LL HAVE A THING OR TWO TO SAY
ABOUT THIS AND THE WHOLE THING, THE TRUMP THING, TOO. THERE ARE SOME CRAZY REVELATION
IN ADDITION THIS WIKILEAKS DUMP. THE C.I.A. APPARENTLY HAS A
PROGRAM CODE NAMED “WEEPING ANGEL,” WHICH USES SAMSUNG SMART
TELEVISIONS AS COVERT LISTENING DEVICES. EVEN WHEN THEY APPEAR TO BE
TURNED OFF, THE TV COULD BE RECORDING CONVERSATIONS IN THE
ROOM AND SENDING THEM TO A C.I.A. SERVER. OH, MY GOD. THIS IS TRUE– I HAVE ALL
SAMSUNG TVs IN MY HOUSE. AND THAT MEANS THE CIA HAS
HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF ME LOOKING FOR THE REMOTE. WHERE IS IT? WHAT IS– WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT! WHO TOOK IT? WHO TOOK IT! WHO TOOK IT TO THE KITCHEN! I ALSO WATCH NUDE, SO THEY’RE
GETTING A GREAT SHOT HERE. WHO TOOK–
>>Jon: THE MOON.>>Stephen: THAT JOKE IS BASED
ON A TRUE STORY. AND DON’T THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU
VICTIM ANTIVIRUS OR PROTECTION SOFTWARE YOU ARE SAFE. BECAUSE ONE OF THE WIKILEAKED
DOCUMENTS DESCRIBES A FLAW IN SECURITY SOFTWARE MADE BY THE
COMPANY COMODO AS “A GAPING HOLE OF DOOM.” ( LAUGHTER )
WHICH I BELIEVE IS ALSO WHAT THE REPUBLICANS ARE CALLING THEIR
OBAMACARE REPLACEMENT. CHOPPER CHEAPER SPEAKING–
>>Jon: THAT’S A GREAT CALL.>>Stephen: MEANWHILE, THE
WHITE HOUSE REOPENED FOR TOURS TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE
THE INAUGURATION, AND ONE TOUR GROUP WAS SURPRISED WITH AN
APPEARANCE BY DONALD TRUMP! HI-YA! WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN? HEY, YAY! HE LEARNED THAT– THIS MOVE–
THIS MOVE RIGHT THERE, YA! HE LEARNED THAT MOVE– HE
LEARNED THAT MOVE FROM THE DRESSING ROOMS OF THE MISS
U.S.A. PAGEANT. WHO’S NAKED! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT JOKE IS ALSO BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
SAD TO SAY. AND ROLL THIS AGAIN, JIMMY. LOOK AT WHOSE PAINTING HE’S
STANDING IN FRONT OF– HILLARY CLINTON. WOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS AWKWARD. APPARENTLY, PRESIDENTIAL
PORTRAITS ARE COMMISSIONED BASED ON THE POPULAR VOTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: HE’S COMING OUT SWINGING!>>Stephen: NOW, WHILE HE WAS
THERE, THE PRESIDENT SINGLED OUT ONE YOUNG MEMBER OF THE TOUR FOR
A PAT ON THE BACK, HOPEFULLY, INSPIRING THAT YOUNG MAN TO
BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY HE, TOO, COULD GROW UP TO DO ANYTHING FOR
ATTENTION.

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Methew Wade

100 thoughts on “Republicans Release New Health Plan, And We’re All Going To Die”

  1. The fact that he believes that a real poor working class person buys I-Phones should be a crime! I have to deicide to buy apples and avocado or re-order my Adderall every other month! If someone made a statement like that in front of me, I would bitch slap them before saying… "I'm sorry, I'm off my Meds"!

  2. For those 24 million people, I deeply apologize.
    We didn't vote for him.
    I went to a rally against him.
    We honestly thought that being a proudly confirmed rapist was enough to dash all hopes of anyone's victory.

    I'm sorry.

  3. its sounds to me, that the Republicans likes to replace things that work with things that are stupid then blames somebody else fir it..

  4. they say there gonna put the old healthcare before obama care we couldn't afford then might as well just pay for your funneral bill instead of a doctor bill

  5. Yea this guy is dying in comedy. It's the same thing every week. "Look at what trump is doing! Here is my joke and punch line! cheers, laughter and drum set." Move on Colbert. And the the next week when your writers write you another joke… just… go with it… for applause and cheers…

  6. Bye bye, ACA. "If you like your legacy, you can keep it!" Trump
    I love seeing the screeching, crying liberals!

  7. Keep your kid on your insurance forever, buy them a house and a car and support there kids too Stephen.

  8. Colbert sucks. Stick to real comedy. You're addicted to political rhetoric. You're obsessed with your own BS. Okay we get it. You hate Trump. Can we get back to material that doesn't promote your own political views. You are a comedian (you're supposed to be). You are turning into a broken record of trying to be a political analyst. I used to like watching you.

  9. One thing…you shouldn't force healthcare upon people. A lot of them don't want to pay. Obamacare isn't free. You're paying taxes for it.

  10. It's great that smarmy little jackasses like Colbert and the little Hillarybots continue to underestimate Trump and his supporters. They haven't learned a thing since the election, other than in the real world, your participation trophies don't mean crap.

  11. Average annual healthcare plan for a American family is 12k$ though. Average. Not the lowest. Lowest would be around 700$/month. So yeah, and Iphone every 2 months it is.

  12. LOL"…his meat, so juicy… his meat, is just going to fall of the bone…lol…with a little yogurt sauce, Fantastic!"

  13. Steven Colbert is one of the best comedians. I have spent part of the morning watching his monologues. He is so damn funny.

  14. Just die already and do the world a HUGE favor!

  15. I LOVE being a Democrat. We only have a few short decades to put up with those nasty Christian Republicans. Then when we all get old and die they will go to Heaven and we will go the other way for all of eternity and we won't have to see them ever again!!

  16. Rad Dudeman. – I hear ya brother! Well said!! Unfortunately you and I as Democrats are much worse off than those Christian Republicans as we will spend eternity separated from Jesus and Heaven. But oh well, that's the path we've chosen. Amirite!??

  17. A vote for trump is unforgettable and unforgiveable. It proves poor judgement. I eschew all further contact with all of them. I will never work with them or for them,  and choose to interpret their votes as hatred of the other. I am so proud to be "other" than a trump supporter, for he is a human of low quality. But his voters made him president, so I direct my anger and disappointment at the stupid selfish Merkins who failed to use good sense.

  18. Trump supporters will always be happy with their vote if for no other reason that they thwarted Hillary. That should be obvious even to mouth breathing numbskulls, so stop asking stupid questions.

  19. sometimes i feel like the dude at the piano is forced to laugh like that… i mean come on stephen was just pointing at him like "fucking laugh"

  20. I saw in a store and bought two; for me and my daughter-in-law, since she waxes her face. I tried mine first to see how works. I was amazed how it did. Every hair was gone and skin was so smooth. I gave her one and she LOVES it. No more waxing for her she said. It even removed her sideburns. Five minutes and she was done. Now my sister has ordered one for herself. It was fast and worked great. https://nanacorner.com/product/epilator-wax-finishing-touch-flawless-hair-remover-razor-women-body-face-electric-hair-removal-painless-lipstick-shaving-tool/ [w][w][w][w] 🔔 💘 3:) 🌵

  21. Whine about trump some more you idiot. Your entire career depends on Trump. (I am not a republican or trump supporter)

  22. Getting your news from Stephen Colbert is like drinking water from a toilet bowl. This echo chamber is disgusting.

  23. The Republican healthcare plan is like a bad Android update; few implement it and it has plenty of security flaws.

  24. It just goes to show how utterly retarded those in power are. Burning them alive is too good for this filth!

  25. Denying medicade to lottery winners.. we cannot afford to pay the cost of materials for some synthetic medication, and some bandaids?.. so THAT'S how broke we are?

    Fuck me.

  26. how does u.s not have healthcare ??? do you know how sad and really wrong that is.. the world feels sorry for the humans who own country wants them to suffer and die not a GREAT country at all ….. a great country cares about its people not money .. America is not great when they cannot care for there own ,,,, REALLY ??? HOW GREAT TO LET YOUR OWN DIE???

  27. So many things to laugh at in this episode, but sooo many things to weep about!!! The sight of POTUS jumping out from behind a screen to stand for a photo op in front of the woman he despises…Ta DAAA!!! Circus clown supreme!!! Photos of the inauguration crowds at the 2 inaugurations… after all Trump's boasting… priceless!!! Trump's 'tandoori?… Hilarious!!! But……
    The Trumpcare Bill???… Heartbreaking!!!! Wikileaks CIA document …spying in private homes on private citizens through Samsung TVs ?… Terrifying!!!!! George Orwell's 1984 has come to America in 2018 and guess what? … good news folks… it's coming to a home near you everywhere else in the 'free world'… God help us all!!!!!!!!! Thankfully I don't have a TV in my home by choice because I think they're big and ugly… but wait a minute… is my Samsung phone watching me? Is my laptop laughing at me?… is my oven light recording me??? Is my printer printing out all my secrets??? Is my… oh what the hell I'm calling the electric company to cancel my supply and going to live on a desert island!!! But hang on… if my phone is watching me they'll know where I'm going and THEY will probably send spy drones to make sure I'm not building a coconut and palm leaf bomb or sending death threat messages to Trump in a bottle? Paranoia or what!!! Keep doing what you're doing Stephen and Wikileaks, for all our sakes!

  28. A one-page health care plan that just says "Walk it off." Yep, that would be republicans' ideal health care system, alright.
    Shame about all the skilled, talented and experienced people who would die because they can't afford an expensive private doctor… but hey, at least they're cheap to replace with someone much worse at the job, who may not really understand how to do the job right and doesn't have anyone alive to teach them. But how could that stuff happening all over possibly harm a country's overall well-being?^^

  29. I'm glad I have 100% disability thought the VA and don't pay anything. It might be 6 months to get an appointment, It might be slow and the service sucks, but it's not trumpcare!

  30. That iPhone comment was the most ignorant comment ever. And all that less paper means, is that their including a lot less people, and have completely ignored, or cut out many coverages.

  31. Affordable healthcare insurance is a basic human right. And much needed in the usa. The republicans call themselves often christians but shit on the poor and needy. … so hypocrite.

  32. I mean…if Americans ate more plant based or more people went vegan, we could cut healthcare costs significantly. A plant based diet has been proven to reverse heart disease, diabetes, certain cancers and more. Why don't doctors prescribe a plant based diet you ask? Because they make money their money by keeping people sick. They sell you the problem in the form of a bacon smothered, cheese filled crust pizza; and then they sell you the solution in the form of heart surgery. Sounds like a shitty deal to me 🤷‍♀️

  33. I love when people freak out about government listening in on their conversations I’m just like “and that’s such a scary thing? They have hours of you looking through channels finding nothing then going and watching porn for 3 hours”

  34. You know what's really disgusting about what Jason Chaffetz said? He apparently has so much money he doesn't even know how much his healthcare costs, and he's got pocket change compared to the really rich people. And we're just supposed to accept that as normal and ok.

  35. And this shit continues. In fact, they arent even pretending to care about pre existing conditions anymore. Its gotten worse.

  36. Dumpf is satan incarnate. He will surely put Hitler to shame after he is done defiling this country's reputation and self respect.

  37. If you're scrolling through the comments don't let these opinions stray your mind. I know you're looking for some type of confirmation, but sometimes you gotta confirm with your own mind. Side note, heal yourself with the food you eat! Doctors will rarely tell you, but there's so much we could do for our sick and depressed state with natural foods. Oh, and one more thing. I kow you're tired but..KEEP FIGHTING. The hardest battles make for the greatest stories.

  38. Trump literally accomplished nothing besides replacing his name with Obama’s on our official universal healthcare plan, so long as you don’t count disrupting the world economy and inciting a foreign middle eastern nation to take steps closer to war. How much uranium can they possibly enrich right? So what if Russia backs Syria, that’s probably no big deal, they just opened up some new factories here. We could just base all our military operations at those facilities, it’s the perfect end game

  39. Please make that guy Jon, on the keyboard, BE QUIET 🤐. I don’t care if the government is listening, just as long as it’s not costing me money by running up my electric bill. Please, CIA/FBI, don’t publish my internet history, nor cause me to pay more for electricity.

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